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| Well, what do you know? All three of the scenarios in the post below came to pass -- potentially. I can't say much about the last one (dubbed "most likely," that the trip would send me off to secular service realms with a grounding in Christ) because I'm on the wrong side of experience at the moment, but it is true that I feel at peace BOTH with the idea of doing things through a non-religiously affiliated group, AND with working in a missions capacity. I had a picture of missions hanging over my head, and it was good to blast through that and see what is actually on the other side, at least for me. I still know what I want to do, and it is possible that it could be done with the name "missions" on it. Actually, it might best be done that way. Who knew? I still have a lot of pondering and vocation seeking to do, but it's good knowledge to have filed away in a corner of my brain. There are a lot of new pieces of information, and coming togethers, and insights, and recognitions, and reparations, tucked away in my brain corners as a result of that trip.
It was good (see scenario #1), it was bad (see scenario #2), it was divine, it was unbearable, I got sick with a 102.9 fever, I drank tea with good friends, we made mistakes, we talked it out... So good. It was like God held the summer out on a plate and said, "Here. Child. Take this. It is a gift for you. I have thought it out and planned it just as a beautiful thing for you, and I want you to have it." I lived in this knowledge every day. How great is that? How great is our God? Sing with me!
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| I'm going to do a trip this summer with other Christians in a somewhat intense environment. And I can't lie: I'm a little terrified. I really like you guys -- I think you are cool, down-to-earth people -- but what about other Christians? I honestly don't get along with my "people" that well. "My people" have turned out to be... different people... who generally are not Christian, though sometimes you get that amazing convergence of spiritual brother/sisterhood AND personality mixing and that's just beautiful. That's what the Ranch has/had, in my opinion. And now I'm about to go back into the world and throw myself into the arms of excellent, grounded, Biblical, hopefully good people. Who love God. All right, that doesn't sound so bad.
*still terrified*
I think I have had bad experiences with Christians and they are playing into this new environment. When I was at camp I didn't feel welcomed or part of something until I became a staff person. People accepted me but it was Christian acceptance, which is the most excellent kind there is, but it is not the same as being with people who are like you and understand you and are understood by you. I wonder how things would be if I were a counselor at camp instead of working at the ranch. At IVCF in school the same thing has happened -- it's hard to get along with "the group", but I have connected to some really excellent people THROUGH the organization, and now we do our own thing largely apart from IVCF. Is that the goal of those kinds of groups?
I'm just not a fit-inner and I'm absolutely okay with that (really!), but I'm worried that I've stepped into another situation where there will be a need and expectation to fit in. Like looking for satisfaction in IVCF rather than individual friends, or like going to my megachurch's youth group instead of meeting my one or two friends for coffee once in a while, thinking that this time the marketing and the promises will pay off. (I have misplaced faith in the church sometimes. Something else I'm getting over.) And --here's what gives me pause-- when you are with Christians if you are not fitting in they can throw the Bible at you and quote scripture that explains why you should be. God made us all different and I am just starting to understand that, and also I am learning how to be a Christian in the world, and I am apprehensive about that new understanding holding up before pressure from outside.
I have a picture in my mind when I think of being with Christians, a picture where you have a really great experience together and talk about unity and love and forever, and after you leave the room/church/camp nothing happens, nothing is changed, and you are alone. (This ties into something I know that not everybody knows, which is that in every church group there are still people who are in and people who are out, and sometimes there are rare people who are in but travel out, and there are the even rarer people who don't see the in or the out and, like, float through the boundaries like they are made of a different kind of matter. Why have I met more people like that who are NOT Christians? Is this just a problem in IVCF?) That's my picture, guys. Despite the fact that you are for the most part incredibly cool people and don't fit that picture at all, that's my picture... Sometimes I liked being a counselor because it was easier to see and relate to those kids who take things incredibly seriously but just don't jive with the rest of the world...
Best case scenario: this program will be what I think it will be and will attract excellent people who both love and question God, and we will have that connection I felt with the people in my study abroad program last semester, but 1000x better because it will be a God connection and not just based on how we think it is good for the world to look.
Also best case scenario: it won't be any of that, but will slap me in the face a couple of times and help me get on track. I feel like I am off in a way.
Most likely scenario, in my opinion, right now: The program is helpful and instructive and afterward I leave that kind of work behind and move into the secular realm of aid/work/helping/serving/living/being, a place where I think God can use me in a special way, always carrying the academic foundation that I build on the trip. A jumping-off point to a non-Christian track, motivated by Jesus in every way and with every step.
uffda. angst central today.
I think I am having trouble thinking of the positives. And there are a lot of positives. Seriously, this is a very cool program. Just have to make it there. I've learned that I am a very indecisive person and thus my mantra is going to be "one step at a time"... I do feel God in this experience.
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| I just wrote a monster post explaining all of the stuff that's tearing me up mentally/spiritually/whatever, but I'll spare you and just say that prayer would be useful right now. I think a lot of this stems from not having solid, consistent guidance from a Christian/group of Christians and that if I can get an injection of that, a lot of it might go away. No guarantees, however. Right now I just need the will to keep going with it...
When I think about things from a secular perspective they feel clear and I can solve problems. When I think about them from what is currently my Christian perspective they do not. It sucks. But I know and have existed in a place where God and I truly worked things out, and it was both clear and right, and so that is where I need to be.
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| I'm blogging now, because... it's 1:00 in the morning, I have to write a short paper, I have to do accounting problems, I have to do several other smaller things that, when done, will add up to make my life happier and easier... THEREFORE, I should write a blog. Yup. Life is annoying and confusing and sometimes okay, as the silly Ecuadorian song goes ("A veces mal, sometimes OK / A veces bien, o very bad"). I think some of the things I'm learning right now are SUPER FASCINATING, like development and sustainability and race and economy and why people are bad to other people and alllll of that. Problem: Since my school is public liberal arts, they don't call God into any of this, so that's something I have to do (get to do) on my own. That is fantastic, but it is hard to balance time to include that. I'm not going to lie, I have not been giving God equal facetime. And, in a lot of ways, I still don't trust him enough to let him heal me and form me into a truly effective leader/servant/human/creation. I like what I am learning but sometimes I look at people who went to Christian schools or were really on top of their Bible study and feel like I've fallen behind. Of course I've fallen behind. These questions that we're discussing all lead to God: Why are people poor? The system is ugly. Why is the system ugly? It's based on greed. Why is it based on greed? This is a fallen world. What will make it better? The sacrificial, self-negating, Other-elevating, person-recognizing, non-reducing, establishment-irking love of Jesus. My honors project this semester is about microfinance, and I have a really great adviser who is going above and beyond in getting me resources and helping me think of what to do after I graduate. I don't know what I want. God needs to be involved. Ideally I would just go somewhere and exist with people and learn more about how God is dealing with me and, as I grew, if it was a good thing, people would see it and we could talk about it. And we could grow a community. Just bring your assets, offer them, see what is there, see what could be there, see what the community itself wants to be there, and, if you can, help them get connected with the resources to make it happen. Training to make the decisions themselves so they don't have to wait for us to step in and fix things. Dignity and sovereignty. And love and humility, which can only come from Jesus. I want Evangelical Christians to stop thinking that shouting JESUS at people from their own place (whether physical or cultural or class-based) is what is required, and I want the more liberal Christians to realize that um yeah a relationship with Jesus is critical and we should talk about it, and I want everyone to understand that missionaries aren't bad and Christians do actually think about issues of cultural sensitivity, and I want development people to realize that nothing is sustainable unless it is grounded in God -- and also that the work they are so excited about has been done by Christians for a long long time. Oh, and I want myself to realize that GOD comes first, always, even and especially when it doesn't look like that is the best way... Thank you, Holy Spirit, for not letting me wander off; make me feel as uncomfortable as you need to until I do the right thing. In short... random updates... church: Federated Methodist, a really fantastic place. I feel more authentically welcomed there than I have anywhere else, definitely in Morris and possibly ever in a church. People welcome you out of fullness, not out of a need or obligation. I think I may not agree with some of their theology, which is a problem, and also a problem that I am thinking about in general... what if the theology is great but the application is not as Biblical? what if they are loose in some areas but spot on in the ones that Jesus mentions more often? house: I live in a great house that is owned by the Lutheran Campus Ministry. There is some drama with the ministry itself, but as a group of residents, we get along well. activities: I might get to do an internship with our county's human services and the Hispanic population, getting people connected with services and helping with forms and translation... suuuper cool. You may know that there are large Hispanic populations in rural Minnesota. Some of the people are not legal immigrants, so they don't get the protection that other people do. I know that we have to be strict on our policies, and the country has to do what it has to do, but it's wrong when people get hurt. Others are victims of discrimination. Many are working jobs that are way below their skill level. I hope it works out; it's sort of experimental right now. | | |
| I don't know if anybody even reads this... but I have an update about my brother, about whose problem I posted in August:
Through his own honesty and the appointment of godly judge (one who the sketchy lawyer said was "harsh", but we know that just means "ethical"), he will not be charged with a felony, but rather some kind of gross misdemeanor. That means no jail and no bad record. (Felonies look really bad.) This was a better result than the lawyer had hoped for. Take that, sketchy lawyer. :) And "woot" God.
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